TYPES of THERAPY:
MARRIAGE COUNSELING:
It is in marriage counseling that an emphasis on the mind, the body and the spirit is very important. Let me explain. Because we are wired for our own survival, with many couples, emotions can override the “knowledge” of how to best treat our spouses. That is because of the fight or flight gridlock in our brain. We are wired to view the breakdown of a relationship as a matter of survival, which at one time it was. Our “old” or more primitive brain maximizes everything that is happening in the relationship that indicates a potential loss, and we find ourselves over-reacting. If book knowledge hasn’t worked for you, it is time to “tune in” to your own body and to your spouse and their reactions as well. It is possible to learn some very simple techniques that will work for you right away.
For example, research has shown that if a person’s heart rate is greater than 100, they will not be able to listen to what you are saying. Studies also show that men have a harder time restoring their heart rates after being agitated by a verbal fight with their wives. No wonder we all have a hard time listening to each other when we are upset! It’s important to understand how the body and the male and female brains function, in order to learn the most optimal tools that will help you fight for your marriage and not against it. Taking time-outs and not “flooding” your spouse when they are upset, learning techniques involving “deep-breathing” and how to start a conversation so that the other person doesn’t feel “attacked” are all tools that can be easily learned in the first 6 sessions. Learning how to listen to your spouse helps them to feel “safe”. If “safety” is not quickly re-established after an incident has harmed the marriage, it will be much more difficult to learn the “communication” techniques so commonly taught in books and classes on marriage. That is because the primitive fight or flight brain literally hi-jacks the more rational brain to ensure its own safety. We need to feel ‘safe’ before we bond, and before we’re ready to communicate on a deeper level. Things such as defensiveness and criticism, stone-walling and contempt are the “viruses” in a marriage that destroy the sense of “safe” that has been already built in. These are the bugs that can ultimately destroy a marriage if not given a strong antibiotic, according to John Gottman, author and psychologist who researched hundred’s of couples (see resource list below). Without learning to get these viruses out of a marriage first, it is difficult to learn the other communication techniques that are essential to growing a marriage.
Secondly, although it is tempting to put marriage therapy off, the distancing and/or fighting that happens in marriage tends to get worse if not attended to. When patterns are “established”, hopelessness sets in. Most couples start out intimate, go through a time of conflict, then if they do not know how to resolve their conflicts, some go into a place of withdrawal or shutting down, where communication no longer takes place. Although not outwardly threatening like the conflict stage, withdrawal is actually more damaging to your marriage. When this happens, know that your marriage is in trouble. You need to seek help right away in order to avoid further discouragement, detachment, decreased motivation, apathy, bitterness, resentment, affairs, and potential divorce. Divorce is never the answer that really solves your problems, yet some may deem it necessary. However, in most cases you can learn to work through your problems. One study showed that if a couple stayed together after considering a break up, after five years a large proportion stated they were now happy in their marriage. Most importantly, if you do divorce, these issues will come up again in another relationship. And, divorce is more costly than counseling, especially if you include the emotional toll on the children, friends, relatives and physical health of each spouse.
Thirdly, love is simply a mystery, sometimes difficult and sometimes exhilarating, but still a mystery. Not everything can be understood, but staying on top of what is working for couples that are researched is not only interesting, but can save years of trying the wrong things with little result. We do know that respect, love, affection, friendship, laughter and honesty all help to re-establish emotional equilibrium and bring a sense of peace, joy and safety to a marriage.
The spiritual persepective:
To start with, marriage was created by God to help us better be able to meet our needs in life, especially the need for companionship. When positive experiences occur, it is rewarding, and motivates both of you to want to spend more time with each other, as the brain releases bonding hormones. Learning to balance life and all of its demands, with some fun and relaxing time with your spouse, is not only fun, it is essential for long-lasting bonds. Planning a time to check in every day with at least one emotion, a date every few weeks, or if possible, a marriage get away two to three times a year can truly rejuvenate a marriage. And, variety really is the spice of life. Try something different and respond with the opposite of what you usually do, to take the predictability out of your routine. Sometimes, just by accident, you can find a joyful solution to a life-long bad habit in your marriage. For example, if you usually pursue your spouse when they try to avoid you, try backing off and let them find you. You may find that they are more likely to spend time with you. Or, if you are the one who distances, try being the first to initiate a conversation or romance. You may find that not only does your partner calm down and relax, but that you too feel less suffocated. Love is much like a dance. When you change a few steps, your partner must follow. Oh yes, and dance lessons can be fun too!
With Christians, since the word of God is the standard in their lives, if a couple is open to using the word in therapy, there are many scriptural principles that help marriage. One is found, of course, in Ephesians 5 where God instructs men to love their wives, as Christ loved the church, and for women to respect their husbands. The book “Love and Respect”, by Dr. Eggerich, is a wonderful tool for learning how to claim this principle in your marriage. In defining the “crazy cycle”, Eggerich states that the problem is not your spouse, it is the “crazy cycle” that occurs when one is not loving or respecting the other. If a man feels disrespected, he can act in a way that is unloving to his wife, and not know it. If a woman feels unloved, she can act in a way that is disrespectful to her husband, and not be aware of it. Thus, both are feeding into a downward cycle in ways that are not conscious to them at the time. By obeying the scriptures to love and respect each other, this cycle can be ended. This is one of many scriptural principles that I use as I guide each person toward living from their faith into their marriage.
In marital counseling I usually do an assessment that takes four to five sessions and includes one to three sessions with the couple together, and then one session with each person individually. After the first 4-5 sessions, the couple then always comes together, unless they decide to take a break from marital counseling and proceed with individual. In these sessions I teach tools and techniques as well, so there is much progress that can be made in six sessions, if both parties are able to do their homework in between sessions.
FAMILY and ADOLESCENT:
Every hour in the U.S., 57 teenagers attempt suicide, which amounts to 497,952 adolescent suicide attempts per year. This can be startling and as a parent, and you may think that your adolescent would never do anything like that. However it is a reality today for many reasons, some of which include the stressors that are being put on our teens today, the differences in their brain development, compared to adolescents in the 60’s and 70’s, the sleep deficit that is particularly damaging to the developing brains of our teenagers, and many other factors. Even when parents and teens have fairly solid relationships, the intense pressures and distractions that teens are exposed to surrounding sex, money, success, alcohol, substance abuse, video games, and gender identity are so powerful and subtle that they can sabotage even the most loving intentions on the part of both the parent and the teenager. To top it off, most teens today are more disconnected from themselves and others than ever before, due to an increased reliance on media. To bring in your teen for counseling does not mean that you have “failed” as a parent. However it does show that you are clearly seeking solutions and the skills that you need to be the best parent you can be, during the few years that you will have your teen under your roof. These years are crucial, and there are many “teachable” moments that you most likely do not want to miss or to misunderstand.
Denice worked for several years in a locked inpatient unit for severely disturbed adolescents prior to becoming an outpatient therapist. She has many years of experience teaching the skills needed for parents to understand their teens, and for teens to be able to work with their parents to get their needs met, both in inpatient and outpatient settings. Adolescent therapy is very complex and multi-layered, and it takes specialized skills and training to be effective in this area. Not all therapists specialize in adolescents. The dynamics of school, peer groups, family, vocational and role identity are far different today than they were even twenty years ago. Modern teens live in a world that is media connected, fast moving and intense and we need to be able to understand the different kinds of pressures they experience.
Denice sees teenagers between the ages of 13 and 18, but does not see children younger than 12 years old as primary patients, unless they come as part of the family sessions for the teens, or as part of a family unit. Occasionally 12 year olds are accepted as primary patients depending on the situation. Although often times a teen may need to work alone with the therapist for several sessions, the goal of therapy is to help the teen and their parents work out their differences and move forward, since this relationship is a “template” relationship that affects all others. The parent-teen relationship is the central relationship that needs to be healed. All future relationships in the teenagers life, including their relationship with their future spouse, friendships, authority figures, and most importantly themselves are largely impacted by the kind of relationship a teen comes to have with their parents.
For these reasons Denice works primarily with the family when a teen is referred for counseling. It is not in the teen’s best interest to think of therapy as “dropping off my child so the therapist can fix him/her”, which does not have a high success rate. Although some teens would prefer to work alone and would prefer not to have their parents included in the therapy, Denice has experience to believe it is not in the teen’s best interest as a long-term solution for their therapy. Although she used to work with teens alone, she has found that this approach does not produce desired results as effectively or as quickly as including the family in the sessions at some point. As a parent, you are part of the issue and the problem that has developed with your teen, and you are part of the solution. You are also the most important person(s) in their lives, regardless of the fact that they recognize this at the time, because their focus is on their peers. You have an innate ability to help your teen in ways that nobody else can, and you need to be taught how to bring this forth again. Ideally both parents, if possible, need to be involved in the therapy at some point and be willing to come to the sessions. This will be discussed at the first intake session as the treatment plan is developed. In this way, the life long bond that you will have with your teen will be enhanced by the therapeutic experience, not “taken over” by the therapist, leaving you helpless and clueless as to what is going on.
Denice is usually able to establish rapport with most teenagers through helping them see what is in therapy for them. Most teens don’t want to be in therapy, and have been brought in against their will by their parents, or referred by other authorities. There is a fine balance in working with them to help them to establish their own goals, versus the goals of their parents or the therapist. Unless there is something really in it for them, they will do their best to tolerate the therapy, but won’t really gain any useful tools. When they can see how it would benefit them to gain control over their own emotions, thoughts and behaviors, to learn how to relax, to better be able to discern a thought from an emotion, they are more motivated to work. They are tired of being told who to be, how to be, and what to be. In a time where they are learning to establish their own identity, this is the last thing they need or want. They are given skills to learn how to relax, slow down and cope with their fast paced and ever changing world, so they feel more “in control” of themselves and as a result, have better self esteem. They are also taught to communicate with their parents respectfully, which helps them to get their needs met, and helps the parent-teen bond. In the end, is there anything more important that teaching a teen to have better self-control and better relationships?
A thorough assessment will be made of the teen and the family to rule out such issues as depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, sleep deprivation, anger, drug and alcohol addiction, OCD and impulse disorders, personality disorders, etc. Also, the effects of divorce, death, emotional or sexual abuse, or physical trauma will be factored into the issues at hand. I may feel your teens issues need to be referred to a specialist. If your teen is unable to handle outpatient therapy and is actively suicidal or destructive, they will be referred to a psychiatric hospital for stabilization, to continue therapy upon discharge.
INDIVIDUAL THERAPIES:
CHRISTIAN COUNSELING:
I work with Christians that seek counseling from a Christian perspective. I have been a Christian for 45 years, and I believe that the Bible is inspired by God and the standard for truth. I cultivate my own walk with God daily, and I am active in a fellowship of believers. For clients who ask for and want a Christian perspective in their counseling, I partner with them to seek God's presence and direction using whatever modality is comfortable for them. I am careful to work within each client’s belief system and I am trained as a professional to assess and consider someone's spiritual needs as part of therapy, but never project my own values onto others. I do not assume or proceed with a therapeutic approach without first discussing it and obtaining my client’s consent and agreement. If there are religious wounds from unhealthy church cultures or family backgrounds, I am able to assist my clients to face the deeper issues of trusting God, in order to help re-establish a renewed relationship with God and other believers, however that may look for them, that is so vital to growth and maturity as a Christian.
TRAUMA COUNSELING:
I have been trained in somatic release and trauma methods of counseling that encompass the spiritual, physical and emotional parts of us, such as EMDR, Brain Spotting and others. Each client is free to choose what mode of therapy they prefer, and I encourage them to let me know if they don’t like something. The principle behind somatic therapies is that the body holds the memories in the subconscious, especially if they are threatening. Therefore it is difficult to access them consciously and “just talk about them”. Most people believe that talking about your trauma will make it better, but the research does not uphold that. Talking about severe trauma can actually make it worse because it “retraumatizes” the client, and it doesn’t usually resolve the trauma because the subconscious and the body are still “holding onto” it. Also, most people cannot access the severe trauma and underlying beliefs that it created. In my search to learn more effective techniques, I discovered EMDR, Brain spotting, Splankna and Immanuel (Splankna and Immanuel are more Christian based- for more information on them, please see Mind-Body-Spirit Tab). Each of these will process the trauma out of where the brain holds onto it, five times faster than talk therapy- and usually (but not always ) with less trouble in-between sessions with flashbacks, nightmares, etc than with talk therapy. The methods I use are more and more gentle, some more than others, and I will recommend those that are more gentle to clients who seem more afraid of what the trauma work may surface regarding daily life functioning impairment. Most often these techniques do not involve impairment, but results are always individual to each person, so it cannot be guaranteed. These methods are well researched and have already resulted in fast , permanent and gentle resolve of the traumatic symptoms in many people.